There is a strange part of parenting that nobody really prepares you for.
You spend years teaching your child how to do things for themselves, while secretly making sure they never have to struggle too much while learning. You pack their lunch because it is faster. You remind them about their homework because you don't want them to forget. You pay for things because it is easier than explaining the cost. You make the decision because you already know what you would choose.
And then one day, quite suddenly, everyone starts asking whether they are independent enough.
Can they manage their money? Can they make good decisions? Can they take responsibility for their choices? Can they function without you?
This is the strange tension at the heart of raising a child to stand on their own. We want our children to become capable and independent, but we also spend much of their childhood making life easier for them. And often, for very good reasons.
We know the world can be difficult. We know how quickly a small mistake can become an expensive one. If we can save our child some frustration, embarrassment or disappointment, why wouldn't we?
The problem is that your child doesn’t become independent because they turn 18.
We tend to imagine independence, maturity or responsibility happening at a particular milestone. Maybe when they leave for university. Maybe when they get their first job. Maybe when they start earning their own money.
But you cannot expect them to magically know what to do with it because they have reached a certain age.
They need practice.
Not because we want to do less for them, but because we want them to eventually be able to do more for themselves.
- Maybe today, you decide how your child's money gets spent. Over time, they can start making some of those decisions themselves.
- Maybe today, you remind them to save. Eventually, they can decide what they are saving for, how much to put aside and what they need to give up to reach that goal.
- Maybe today, you are the one keeping track of what they have. At some point, they need to know how to keep track of it themselves.
These changes can feel almost insignificant when you look at them individually. But over time, they add up to something much bigger.
And I think this is where we sometimes get parenting backwards.
We spend a lot of time asking, “When will my child be old enough to…”
Perhaps a better question is:
“What could my child start practising now?”
That doesn't mean handing your child every responsibility and telling them to figure it out.
Children should still be children. They need parents to protect them, guide them, make decisions for them and sometimes rescue them from the consequences of being a child.
But there should also be things that slowly become theirs. It won't happen all at once. It shouldn't.
It might start with letting your child decide how to spend a small amount of money. They might spend it badly. You might be tempted to replace it immediately. But perhaps that is an opportunity to let them experience what happens when the money is gone.
Later, you might involve them in planning for a bigger purchase. You can talk through what it costs, what they have available and how long it might take to save for it.
Eventually, the conversation changes. You're no longer making every financial decision for them. You're there to guide them, but they are beginning to make decisions with you rather than simply because of you.
That is the goal.
The goal is to raise children who how to think through a problem, manage what they have and take responsibility for what they choose.
And that kind of independence isn't built on the day they leave home.
It's built in the little things we hand over long before they do.
That's what this series is about.
In each edition, we'll look at one responsibility parents can gradually move from their hands into their child's, from managing an allowance to making spending decisions, saving for something they want and eventually managing money before university and beyond.